Hurt

I just cried.

Hard.

No, I sobbed.

But no tears comes out.

I wailed.

I sobbed hard my hearts hurt.

Reason?

I don't know.

Maybe because I missed my mum.

I don't know.

Not sure.

But it feels a little bit better.

I guess I need to cry a little more often.

Cause life is hard.

But we need to keep going with the play.

And I believe everything is alright.

At least that's what I told myself.

Cursed

I think I'm being cursed.
I can't say something I didn't sure of. Cause it will happen.

My pathetic love life was basically being cursed.

First,
There was this senior of mine. I knew him somehow. He might (or might not) know me somehow.

One day, another senior saw him walked by and gone awe. I was like "tsk". Scoffing the girls away for being swayed by his charm.

Little did I know, I got swayed also few weeks later as I always seem to see him go back home from school and smiling friendly.

This one hits me hard.

Second,
There was this another senior. On high school. He was so very charming.

But he is bad. Skip school etc. And I said I wouldn't crush on him because of it.

But then someday I saw him as a light in my bored highschool life.

And there was another highshcool story. Also a senior. He was another gem.

Good one. Idol. Pretty head, pretty face.

I said I won't like him. He's so out of reach. But then my eyes keep on looking for him whenever I'm out of class.

Third,
I don't even know what this one was.

They teased us since day 1. I ain't wavering.
His meaningful gaze. I still didn't budge.
He only smile whenever they teased us. I still didn't wiggle.

But then one day,
I told my friend, "don't laugh at me. I think I liked him. A bit."

She laugh anyway.

Two days later,
I heard he dated a friend of mine.

I moved on not even a month after.
Cause I realized I'm being stupid.

Now I'm just curious.
Has they ever see me as nothing?
Am I really that invisible?

Dear You

Dear You,

If one day you realize you like me,
Kindly tell me direclty.

Don't tell me to crack your code.
Or ask me to translate your meaningful gaze.
Just tell me how you feel directly.

I might or might not reciprocate your feelings.
But at least let me know.

Spare us from wondering.
Spare us the time.

Sincerely,

Someone who tired of loving alone.

Frown

"Wouldn't it be nice to have someone who listens to your stories and laughs at your jokes?
Someone who can be your lover and bestfriend at the same time. Have fun together. Achieve goals together.
Someone who prays and wish the best and only the best for you."

A friend post.

And I was laughing.
Almost asking her why are you so predictable.

But then...
She's right somehow.

And I suddenly frown.
The laugh disappear.

And my head suddenly full of questions.

Happy

I miss being happy.
Like trully happy.
Will I ever be again?

What will I be?

Today I was having this nice short conversation with a friend at luch time. Talking about random stuffs from A to Z, typical of girls talk. But then we somehow talking about work.

She was just being promoted to be a permanent staff at the company we were both worked in as an intern. She told me about the process and there I realize when this one question appear.

"What will I be in the next 2 years?"

I feel like I've been hit by a giant truck full with ashpalt to fill the road. Hot and heavy. I was like realize I have no future plans for my life. I think that "just go with the flow" would get me something like something to answer. But no. Go with the flow wasn't an answer for that question. That's the way to the answer. And the answer? I don't know. Honestly, as stupid as you might think I am, yeah, I still don't know. All I could think was I just wanted to be a better me than before in my next time.

But then again, is just "Being a better me" enough? Once again, no. What would you do to make you better than before, then you dumbass? I thought. I have no destination.

Yeah, as hard as I think it is to where should I park my car, I need to think where would I park my car.

Is it okay to feel not okay

Sometimes I really wish I could turn back the time.

I wanna go back to the time before I did something stupid. I wanna go back to the time when I know that I could prevent something to happen before I regret it.

It's undeniable. Mistakes. People makes mistakes everyday. One person could even make more than people think one person could do in one day. We couldn't really predict the future. Everything we did today could even give the smallest effect to the future.

I know that I should have been more carefull towards everything since those days. I promise myself that I won't go back to that sorrow any more. But yet here I am crawling in my bed thinking how to get rid of this feeling.

It's not that this feeling grew that big towards that certain someone. It's just I feel like I'm slowly going back to the old times. It's like the history repeating itself. It's not even happen in the next life of mine. I'm still far far faraway from my next life.

I feel like an idiot reminicing all those prayers I've been saying. I just really don't wanna go back to the time where I should repeating that lyrics to God ever again. It's just tiring. And killing.

Pretend to be strong and fine everytime. It's killing.

I'm not fine. I'm not strong.

Can I scream that to the world instead?

Hello to my weirdness is back with my prayer

Shock is when your boss suddenly know who your crush is. Man I was like, "OMG!!! How could he know??!! He have sixth sense or what?"

I know that I really should stop from liking someone first. But it's not that I want to like someone who doesn't like me back either, right? Well, it's like I like those crushes that much already.

I don't want those past years coming back. It was really hard to go back to normal again. To breathe normally whenever I saw a certain person. To smile brightly without feeling nervous to someone. I've had that enough and I really don't wanna reset to that time again with another person. It was like my deepest agony for I have never been really in a relationship.

I just gonna pray that someday finally someone good would like me. I'm happy with my current life. Free with nobody but parents forbids me to do this and that too much, but when sometimes some people coming to my dreams, that time when I realize I've been so lonely all this time. So lonely so that I can't even differ when I'm just alone or when I'm lonely.

God, with this I say my prayer, my old wish that I used to say everynight before I sleep few years back,

I pray to you please keep my heart from any agony from a feeling we human called love.

Please let me like and love someone who could also liked me back so that I'm far from pain.

Please bring out the emptiness in me but just as much as the filler you could give to fill the emptiness.

Please just let me control myself from being too excited about something.

Please give me all the feelings You think is best for me.

Please always give me reminder whenever I do something too far from my way to go away from.the agony.

Please always be with me...

Amen...

Long old story

It was a long time old story. I thought I had moved on. I mean, I moved on. From him. I learnt something from years ago.

But if you recall what you feel back then, how it felt like to fall, bleeding and nobody seen to help you, it still hurts.

I know I'm being my silly emotional self now. Maybe I read too much novels or browse too much fanfics lately.

I sometimes I feel like I want to cry over my pathetic life. I always thought that I'm still lucky that I'm not homeless and such. But still I fell pathetic most of the time because this emptiness in me.

Years spent hoping someone that don't even know you more than his ex-junior on middle school he met after school. Then patheticly shed a tear over a boy who didn't even clear he really likes you or not and then going out with your friend.

I had enough. I don't wanna feel the heartbreak ever again and crying by myself without even know who to tell the story to. I'm too afraid to feel some kind of that spark again till it comes to the point that I feel numb. I feel empty.

I liked someone. Just a fling. I just like to see some good looking man. And that's it. I don't want to take any further feeling.

Like when someone teased me for being a lifetime single, for him being a lifetime jerk, I was like, what's wrong with being single? It's much better than being a jerk.

But then again, it was just me all along. I'm too busy keeping my guards up so that I don't feel that heartbreak again. I'm being paranoid of someone not liking me anymore when I'm still like him.

I feel insecure most of the time when I saw everywehere everyone has their partner. I feel the jealousy to be very honest. Am I that ugly that nobody wants me? Am I that scary that nobody wants to come near me? Or am I that hard that nobody have no guts to try to melt me?

I know that this is stupid to think like this. But what can you do when you're in your silly self?

Boys said that they can't understand how girls mind work. Don't worry, boys, even me, a girl myself, don't even understand how my mind works.

My silly insecure self.

:')

The (Not So) Amazing Spiderman

Hello,

Maybe most of you wonder why I write the tittle like that. No. I'm not reviewing the latest Spiderman movie. I also not gonna criticsize the movie or the spiderman. This post is basically my critical thinking. I mean I know maybe people would think that I'm weird but whatever.

Basically I got this on my mind right after I watch the movie. I mean like, the tittle of the movie is good "The Amazing Spiderman" but in fact the spider heroes is not amazing at all.

I ain't speaking about the movie. I speak about the personality. Many people sometimes giving a high hope on something. Like they expected more on something or someone to do more than what they capable of. Like this movie. Look at Peter Parker's background. He was left by his parents to live with his old poor Uncle and Aunt. He's a dork. But when he's becoming a heroes, which nobody knows his identity, people expecting much from the hero.

And see what happen at the back of the story? He lost his lover. Forever. Gwen is not going to London. She was going somewhere farther than that. I know when you guys watch the movie you'd be like, "Oh Peter, please, you're a superhero, you can save her." because I did. But then again, what do you expect to do when it's a God's will?

And what happen when she's gone? He stop being a spider and the city is on chaos. Here what I got from the movie, Nobody's perfect. Not even Peter Parker-slash-Spiderman who can't even make his bestfriend understand that his blood is not going to cure him. He can't even save his lover. Everyboddy have their own weakness. And The Amazing Spiderman is not as amazing as we expected. Because what? He's a human afterall. Even Thor crying when he lost his brother.

Do not judge a book by it's cover.

That's not just a speech for the bad and the good with wrong package. That also a speech for the perfects. Nobody's perfect. God is.

XOXO