Happy

I miss being happy.
Like trully happy.
Will I ever be again?

What will I be?

Today I was having this nice short conversation with a friend at luch time. Talking about random stuffs from A to Z, typical of girls talk. But then we somehow talking about work.

She was just being promoted to be a permanent staff at the company we were both worked in as an intern. She told me about the process and there I realize when this one question appear.

"What will I be in the next 2 years?"

I feel like I've been hit by a giant truck full with ashpalt to fill the road. Hot and heavy. I was like realize I have no future plans for my life. I think that "just go with the flow" would get me something like something to answer. But no. Go with the flow wasn't an answer for that question. That's the way to the answer. And the answer? I don't know. Honestly, as stupid as you might think I am, yeah, I still don't know. All I could think was I just wanted to be a better me than before in my next time.

But then again, is just "Being a better me" enough? Once again, no. What would you do to make you better than before, then you dumbass? I thought. I have no destination.

Yeah, as hard as I think it is to where should I park my car, I need to think where would I park my car.

Is it okay to feel not okay

Sometimes I really wish I could turn back the time.

I wanna go back to the time before I did something stupid. I wanna go back to the time when I know that I could prevent something to happen before I regret it.

It's undeniable. Mistakes. People makes mistakes everyday. One person could even make more than people think one person could do in one day. We couldn't really predict the future. Everything we did today could even give the smallest effect to the future.

I know that I should have been more carefull towards everything since those days. I promise myself that I won't go back to that sorrow any more. But yet here I am crawling in my bed thinking how to get rid of this feeling.

It's not that this feeling grew that big towards that certain someone. It's just I feel like I'm slowly going back to the old times. It's like the history repeating itself. It's not even happen in the next life of mine. I'm still far far faraway from my next life.

I feel like an idiot reminicing all those prayers I've been saying. I just really don't wanna go back to the time where I should repeating that lyrics to God ever again. It's just tiring. And killing.

Pretend to be strong and fine everytime. It's killing.

I'm not fine. I'm not strong.

Can I scream that to the world instead?

Hello to my weirdness is back with my prayer

Shock is when your boss suddenly know who your crush is. Man I was like, "OMG!!! How could he know??!! He have sixth sense or what?"

I know that I really should stop from liking someone first. But it's not that I want to like someone who doesn't like me back either, right? Well, it's like I like those crushes that much already.

I don't want those past years coming back. It was really hard to go back to normal again. To breathe normally whenever I saw a certain person. To smile brightly without feeling nervous to someone. I've had that enough and I really don't wanna reset to that time again with another person. It was like my deepest agony for I have never been really in a relationship.

I just gonna pray that someday finally someone good would like me. I'm happy with my current life. Free with nobody but parents forbids me to do this and that too much, but when sometimes some people coming to my dreams, that time when I realize I've been so lonely all this time. So lonely so that I can't even differ when I'm just alone or when I'm lonely.

God, with this I say my prayer, my old wish that I used to say everynight before I sleep few years back,

I pray to you please keep my heart from any agony from a feeling we human called love.

Please let me like and love someone who could also liked me back so that I'm far from pain.

Please bring out the emptiness in me but just as much as the filler you could give to fill the emptiness.

Please just let me control myself from being too excited about something.

Please give me all the feelings You think is best for me.

Please always give me reminder whenever I do something too far from my way to go away from.the agony.

Please always be with me...

Amen...

Long old story

It was a long time old story. I thought I had moved on. I mean, I moved on. From him. I learnt something from years ago.

But if you recall what you feel back then, how it felt like to fall, bleeding and nobody seen to help you, it still hurts.

I know I'm being my silly emotional self now. Maybe I read too much novels or browse too much fanfics lately.

I sometimes I feel like I want to cry over my pathetic life. I always thought that I'm still lucky that I'm not homeless and such. But still I fell pathetic most of the time because this emptiness in me.

Years spent hoping someone that don't even know you more than his ex-junior on middle school he met after school. Then patheticly shed a tear over a boy who didn't even clear he really likes you or not and then going out with your friend.

I had enough. I don't wanna feel the heartbreak ever again and crying by myself without even know who to tell the story to. I'm too afraid to feel some kind of that spark again till it comes to the point that I feel numb. I feel empty.

I liked someone. Just a fling. I just like to see some good looking man. And that's it. I don't want to take any further feeling.

Like when someone teased me for being a lifetime single, for him being a lifetime jerk, I was like, what's wrong with being single? It's much better than being a jerk.

But then again, it was just me all along. I'm too busy keeping my guards up so that I don't feel that heartbreak again. I'm being paranoid of someone not liking me anymore when I'm still like him.

I feel insecure most of the time when I saw everywehere everyone has their partner. I feel the jealousy to be very honest. Am I that ugly that nobody wants me? Am I that scary that nobody wants to come near me? Or am I that hard that nobody have no guts to try to melt me?

I know that this is stupid to think like this. But what can you do when you're in your silly self?

Boys said that they can't understand how girls mind work. Don't worry, boys, even me, a girl myself, don't even understand how my mind works.

My silly insecure self.

:')

The (Not So) Amazing Spiderman

Hello,

Maybe most of you wonder why I write the tittle like that. No. I'm not reviewing the latest Spiderman movie. I also not gonna criticsize the movie or the spiderman. This post is basically my critical thinking. I mean I know maybe people would think that I'm weird but whatever.

Basically I got this on my mind right after I watch the movie. I mean like, the tittle of the movie is good "The Amazing Spiderman" but in fact the spider heroes is not amazing at all.

I ain't speaking about the movie. I speak about the personality. Many people sometimes giving a high hope on something. Like they expected more on something or someone to do more than what they capable of. Like this movie. Look at Peter Parker's background. He was left by his parents to live with his old poor Uncle and Aunt. He's a dork. But when he's becoming a heroes, which nobody knows his identity, people expecting much from the hero.

And see what happen at the back of the story? He lost his lover. Forever. Gwen is not going to London. She was going somewhere farther than that. I know when you guys watch the movie you'd be like, "Oh Peter, please, you're a superhero, you can save her." because I did. But then again, what do you expect to do when it's a God's will?

And what happen when she's gone? He stop being a spider and the city is on chaos. Here what I got from the movie, Nobody's perfect. Not even Peter Parker-slash-Spiderman who can't even make his bestfriend understand that his blood is not going to cure him. He can't even save his lover. Everyboddy have their own weakness. And The Amazing Spiderman is not as amazing as we expected. Because what? He's a human afterall. Even Thor crying when he lost his brother.

Do not judge a book by it's cover.

That's not just a speech for the bad and the good with wrong package. That also a speech for the perfects. Nobody's perfect. God is.

XOXO

Stupid things = happy things

Coba deh inget inget hal paling tolol yg pernah lo lakuin dalam hidup lo. Apapun itu, setolol apapun, sesuram apapun, sememalukan apapun itu, kalo lo recall lagi pasti lo bakal ketawa. Ngetawain diri lo sendiri.

Kayak kemaren, misalnya. Seumur hidup gue kemana-mana sendirian naik angkutan umum, belum pernah gue setolol kemarin.

Singkat cerita, pulang kantor gue as usual balik naik kereta. Nnggu lah gue di Stasiun Tebet yg menuju Jakarta. Kereta dateng, gue naik dong. Turun lah gue di Manggarai utk transit ke arah Bekasi.

Saat gue turun, ada pengumuman kalo kereta arah Bekasi udah ada di peron 4. Gue yg lg nggak aware gue ada di jalur berapa, main naik aja kereta yg ada di seberang.

Pas kereta jalan, nggak sampe 5 menit kemudian, kereta mulai ngerem lagi. Gue mikir, kok tumben banget Manggarai-Jatinegara secepet ini. Gue langsung pengen nyelem ke kutub utara saat pengumuman pemberhentian stasiun terdengar.

"Stasiun Tebet"

Disitu gue ngerasa tolol setengah mati. Gue balik lagi ke Tebet kayak orang linglung.

Tapi disitu gue sadar, terkadang hal-hal tolol yang kita lakuin itu spicing up our life, loh. Hidup kita jadi ada rasanya. Jadi lebih berwarna, lebih bervariasi.

Saat itu gue langsung me-recall hal-hal tolol apa aja yg pernah gue lakuin. Dan gue senyum-senyum sendiri kalo inget-inget semua hal itu.

Buat gue, terkadang memang hal-hal tolol itu yang bikin gue ketawa. Ketawa, kenapa gue dulu bisa setolol itu ya dulu. Dan itu bisa jadi pelajaran sih buat gue supaya nggak ngelakuin hal itu lagi. Atau paling nggak nggak sebodoh itu...

XOXO

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)

1. How could you be so tall??
    - I got it from my Grandpas. Both grandpas from both side are giants. I also played basketball and swim alot when I was a little girl.

2. You're that tall and so thin, why don't you just be a model?
    - Dad not allowed me. He said that a model revealed too much skin.

3. So then why don't you just be a stewardress instead?
    - I've ad tried once. But my luck is not on me.

4. Why don't you try again, then?
     - Not possible. My eyes minus problem is getting worse now. :((

Well, okay I guess that's it for today. I'll updated when I remember what question people likes to ask me about.

XOXO

Rumors going around... His plane is on delay...

I totally have no idea where this rumors pops up. It was just some morning, few weeks ago, when I prepared to go to office, at the dinner table when I having my breakfast, my aunt, since I live with my cousin for a month, said this,

"I heard some rumors, someone told me that you are going to get married. Is that true?"

And I was like,

"WHUUUTTTTT???? MARRIIIEEEEDDDD??? ARE YOU KIDDING ME, AUUUNNNTTTT???!!!"

No, I didn't said that out loud.

"what?! Married? Haha I don't even have a boyfriend. Married with who?"

I said that instead. Lol

"Don't lie with me. You know it's not a wise move." my aunt said jokingly.

"No, ma'am. I'm not lying. I have no boyfriend to start with. Who am I going to get married with?"

Yeah, that was few weks ago. And also few weeks ago I have this bestfriends supicious attack.

My friend was like suspecting me that I have a bf without even telling them. And they even do it again last night! They even said thay I'm change. Pft! What a friend!

Mom also always do this kind of things to me, jokingly asked if I have a boyfriend but not believe me when I said no.

I am always like that when I'm being teased. I'll go all shy and red even when the rumors not true. People somewhat expecting something more that the truth I have told them because of that reaction of mine.

Nobody believes me. I'm the kind to said 'No' when it's no and 'Yess' when it'a yes. And I'll tell when I feel like I have to tell.

All I can say is, my boyfriend has not arrived yet. His plane is still on delay and the road from the airport to reach where I stand now is in a heavy traffic.

It's not easy for us to meet, but we will.

Just wait and pray for your friend's best, pal.

XOXO

Me is the reason why.

Hello, I'm back after sometimes.

I'm just gonna share my thoughts again about something. It's not bothering me, but I guess yes for some people.

Someday, in a good day, my friends and I were talking randomly at campuss. And we were playing revealing secrets. And that moment revealed that I haven't been in a relationship ever.

And guess what? Nobody believed me! Looollll...

And the same things goes on everytime I said that I haven't been in a relationship with someone. They said that I didn't look like one.

Lol and what do I looked like? Some two timing bitch maybe. Lol. Kidding.

I still wonder why nobody believes me, tho.

Well, then, couple weeks ago I went out with a friend and his friend. And we were like teasing each other and the topics came.

And another case, they don't believe me! I teased by those two bastards (kidding guys, I love you guys to the moon and backs. Lol) nonstop.

My friend was like going all "I'm going to reveal you secret when we meet the others"

And I was like, I don't mind. Because it wasn't a shame thing.

But for the two boys, maybe that was. Maybe because they were boys.

At first I was shyly revealed that, but a friend of mine said that it was a good thing. Good thing that I haven't been touched by any bastards in any bad way. Good things that I never had a broken heart because of post breakups.

For the first one, I agreed. But the later, I opposed. Just because I haven't had a boyfriend my entire life, doesn't mean that I haven't fallen in love my whole life too, right?

It's a long story I'll tell next time. But from the moments I encountered, I realized something, sometimes we cant alwayd blame other when something isn't work our way. We have to blame ourself first. Track back our way and see if there is something we lack or we missed.

In my case, when some day I have a talk with Stella, she said this thing that hit me to th core.

"why?"
"I don't know. It just doesn't work till that stage. I just don't feel something I feel like suppose to feel."
"so it's you, then. You are the reason."

And that day I was like falling from a plane and hit the ground hard. Yes, it's me. The reason why it does never work was me. Maybe I'm too cold to melt. Too stiff to be softened. Too tiring to reach.

I admit, I'm cold and stiff around boys I feel not comfortable as a friend. I'm such a bitch when I don't like someone. That's why. I'm straight. Perfectly, if they questioned me. But it's just I love the process and hate it when someone befriend me just because they have something ups towards me.

I actually need someone who could patiently stand my bitch indifferent side, not someone who just wanna play on easy games and surrender when they feel like it's too hard to finish. Call me conservative or whatever, but I'm not an easy game to play with.

XOXO